Band-aids and Chasms

I woke up today the same way I woke up for several months now - in pain.

I never thought it'd take me this long - nor that 'til now, I'd still be struggling. I always thought that I'd get over it quickly and quietly, but I guess that never happened.

I masked the pain with a lot of things: I masked it with friends, with business, and with petty things that take some time. Bit by bit, all it did was waste my time. I was only trying to ease the pain of an amputated arm with a piece of band aid.

"An amputated arm?" you ask, "Isn't that a bit too extreme?" No, I guess not really. There are just things that are too important to us, that are hard to live without. And when we lose it, we just start - limping.

And after all the limping, I just started denying - "I'll be okay, really," "I'll get over it someday," "(shrugs) I don't need it that much anyway." are the stuff I tell myself. But I knew deep down I never was. Like trying to fill a chasm with sand from a sandbox.

So instead of trying to fill that chasm, I decided to ignore it and capped it with some sort of cover, like a manhole keeps all the stench of the sewers (and the sewers itself) away from passersby. But that was more of a temporary solution than a permanent one, for the cap was inadequate and I found myself falling in that hole more often.

So I learned to live with that hole, and the stench that came with it. But soon after, I yearned for change. I tried submitting it to God, but God always handed it back to me with some more; "God, what's wrong?"I asked, "Don't you want to fix me?" and He was thereafter silent.

Now I lay open to you the stench and the sewers of my pain - and I leave you to decide what you think of it, or of me. It matters little to me whether you judge me or not. But judge me well if you do.

'Cuz no matter what I try, I just can't fix myself.

*goes back to sleep*